Jokes and funny stuff

[APBTMOMMY]

A WOMANS POEM

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake
He said my biscuits were to hard....
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...
Like his mother used to do.

[Leon]

Modern day bumper stickers :

Gravity doesnt exist: Earth sucks
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left before we met
Hire a teenager now - While they still know everything
I child-proofed my house but they still get in
I need someone really bad - Are you really bad?
Individualists - Unite!!
Jesus is coming - Look busy
Keep honking .... Im reloading
If you want breakfast in bed sleep in the kitchen
How can i miss you if you wont go away?
I am only horny on the days that end with Y
Never hit a man with glasses - Use your fist
Beer - Helping white people dance since 1837
Our drinking team has a hockey problem
The rich get richer, the poor get babies
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
To err is human - to moo is bovine
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer."

The receptionist replies: "I'm sorry, but he died last week."

The next day he phones again and asks the same question.

The receptionist replies: "I told you yesterday, he died last week."

The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer.

By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says: "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"

The guy says: "Because I just love hearing it."
-------------------------------------------------------------
POLITICS FOR DUMMIES:

FASCISM:
You have two cows. State takes both of them and sell you milk.

NAZISM:
You have two cows. State takes both of them and shoot you.

BUREAUCRACY:
You have two cows. State takes both of them, kills one and spills the milk down the drain.

DEMOCRAT / SOCIALIST (Same thing these days...)
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. The government takes one
and gives it to someone else. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

COMMUNIST
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is
good.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any
creature's private parts. Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.

[Yo Adrian!]

leon that was great hahahah ^^^^^

[APBTMOMMY]

I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man.
Love, To forgive him and;
Patience, For his moods.
Because if I pray for Strength
I'll just beat him to death.

[APBTMOMMY]

When a woman found out that she was pregnant, she lit up the phone lines telling everyone the good news. One day later that week, she took her 4 year old son, Sam, out shopping. A woman asked the boy if he was excited about the baby. "Yes", he said. "I know what we're going to name it. If it is a girl, we're calling her Molly and if it is a boy, we're going to call it quits.

[APBTMOMMY]

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

[APBTMOMMY]

As a blonde crawls out of her wrecked car, the local sheriff asks her what happened.

The blonde began, "It was the strangest thing! I looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right. Then I saw another tree, so I swerved to left. Then there was another tree, and another and another ..."

The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, "Mam ... I don't know how to tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on this road for thirty miles is your air freshener."

[APBTMOMMY]

A dog has long been a man's best friend. Few women have a problem with that. But when The Field - the magazine devoted to the hunting, shooting, fishing fraternity - suggested 50 reasons why dogs are better than women, it started the paw wars.


Spots are an attractive feature on a dog.
A dog is better protection from intruders.
Dogs enjoy ball games. But they don't spend six hours on the phone trying o get tickets for France 98.
Dogs greet each other by sniffing bottoms. Men are far less polite.
Puppy love doesn't wear off so quickly with a dog.
You can be prosecuted for neglecting a dog.
Dogs can find their way back home - even after a really heavy night out.
Dogs can be trained not to lie on the bed. Men always lie in bed.
A dog can moult without becoming obsessed about premature baldness.
Dogs can be taught the meaning of the word "NO!"
A dog is far less irritation to have in the back seat of a car...
...and will be less likely to show its rear end to the people in the vehicle behind for a laugh.
Elizabeth Hurley has a faithful dog whom she loves dearly.
If a dog says sausages, that's clever. If a man says sausages, that's just greedy.
Dogs will wait patiently outside clothes shops...
...and not criticize your purchases afterwards.
A dog will fetch the morning paper for you.
A dog will trot faithfully round at your heel.
Dogs don't break wind in public and blame it on the man.
In the canine world, boxers are quite intelligent.
If a dog gets ill, it won't take eighteen Panadols in order to avoid having to go to the vet.
You can also ask the vet to perform the snip, even if the dog objects.
Small, ginger-haired dogs can be quite appealing. As for men? Two words. Robin Cook.
You can find a nice dog by advertising on a card in a shop window, or in the classified section of the local paper.
A woman can live with more than one dog, without rumours starting.
When dogs beg, it's cute. When men beg it's pathetic.
Dogs sometimes dig the garden.
A dog can go out fox-hunting without being incredibly stuck up and pompous.
Dogs don't necessarily prefer blondes.
Dogs won't get embarrassed if you call them by a pet name when their friends are around.
Dogs travel more cheaply on the bus.
Dogs whine less.
Some dogs can be quite talented at singing.
Men lost the World Cup. A dog found it.
Dogs are less reliant on tinned food...
...but after a few cans, a dog will still be able to stand up.
And there are some things even a dog won't eat - like the remains of a three-day-old King Prawn vindaloo that they found on the floor behind the sofa.
You can leave a dog alone in your house without worrying so much about what it'll break.
A dog gets a new coat every winter.
Dogs are not so careless about leaving puddles on the bathroom floor.
A dog is less likely to leave a filthy, stinking mess for you to clear up.
For a dog, a wet nose is a sign of GOOD health.
Men are even less useful for testing cosmetics on.
Dogs don't wolf-whistle.
There are still thousands of totally undomesticated dogs in Australia; but far more undomesticated men.
Your dog will never refer to you as 'a bitch'.
In disaster films, the dog is always far more likely to have a miraculous escape.
Dogs do not waste money betting on the dogs.
You can stop dogs getting too randy by throwing a bucket or water over them.
All the best clips on 'You've Been Framed' are the ones with dogs in.
If a dog starts worrying sheep, that's just its natural predatory instinct.
If a MAN starts worrying sheep, however...
A 'King Charles' is much more likely to be a big, floppy-eared dog than a big floppy-eared man.
You can also call a dog schitzu without offending it.
"Working like a dog" is strenuous. Working like a man is, er - not.
You can fondle your dog in the park without being arrested.
A dog will encourage you to lose weight by taking more exercise. A man will just remark on how big your bum looks.
Dogs do not attack other dogs for being a different colour.
Having a dog around the place can actually ease stress.
You'd feel guilty about turning a dog out on the street.
A dog can take a barrel of brandy to a lost mountaineer without drinking ANY.
There aren't so many good reasons to keep a dog muzzled in public.
You can buy a dog's affection with a squeaky toy.
A dog will be eager to walk, rather than getting a taxi.
Most dogs are really good with children.
Dogs have a highly-developed sense of smell. Men, on the other hand, can quite happily wear the same pair of pants for a fortnight.
A dog is more useful for tracking down criminals.
Who did YOU miss most from Blue Peter - John Noakes or Shep?
A dog might actually take a bath of its own accord.
There's more chance of your dog being able to operate the video recorder.
You can buy a choke-chain for a dog.
A 16-year-old dog is very mature.
A dog is easier to keep well-groomed.
Dogs have more chance of receiving an award for bravery.
Dogs are easier to house-train.
Dog do not scratch themselves so much in polite company.
A dog can look as though it understands what you're saying.
Dogs went into space first.
A man will roll over and play dead only if you ask him to get up and make coffee.
Dogs enjoy swimming, and not for the chance to ogle girls in bikinis.
Being a dog's mistress is no reason to feel ashamed.
You can keep your dog tied up if it starts misbehaving.
Saggy skin and a hang-dog look aren't half as appealing on a man.
You can train a dog in obedience.
A dog in a studded collar isn't kinky.
Few men would answer to 'Lassie'.
A dog is a pack animal. A man is a six-pack animal.
Dogs spend the day sniffing drugs only if they're with the police.
Dogs aren't obsessed with 'doing it man-fashion'.
A dog is a faithful companion.
A dog is for life.

[kumhomomma]

nice long read but I did LOL a few times

[APBTMOMMY]

Lol feel free to post your jokes N stuff here too.:pupkisses:

[abazaba]

what is red and smells like blue paint?

red paint.


why do sharks eat clowns?

cause they taste funny.

[APBTMOMMY]

Ok so my dad is a major redneck right.....

Well for a while my mom didnt have a lawn mower so my dad would go over to my moms house and mow her lawn for her. Well my sister and I went to visit my dad one day and my sister said " dad our yard needs to be mowed really bad " my dad says " well you know where the lawn mower is just go get it and mow the grass" my sister came back with " well if I didnt need Larry the Cable guy to start it then I would"..... Lmao I almost fell outta my chair when she said that. My sister was at that point and time 16 now she is 18. I just couldn't belive that she said that to him lmao.

[abazaba]

http://media1.break.com/dnet/media/2009/1/86%20Matchstick%20Funeral.jpg

[abazaba]

http://media1.break.com/dnet/media/2009/1/35%20Post-It%20Ambush.jpg

[abazaba]

http://media1.break.com/dnet/media/2009/2/66%20Fish%20Kisser.jpg

[Peanutsmommy]

drinking alcohol makes you want to make out with fish underwater....

[infinity]

http://newmedia.funnyjunk.com/pictures/466742591_1b83a039e9_o.jpg

this is the only keyboard i need

http://newmedia.funnyjunk.com/pictures/demotivational_poster_1_by_ragamuffin009.png

we actually have one of these here

[Peanutsmommy]

hahahahah!!!!

[APBTMOMMY]

http://newmedia.funnyjunk.com/pictures/466742591_1b83a039e9_o.jpg

this is the only keyboard i need

http://newmedia.funnyjunk.com/pictures/demotivational_poster_1_by_ragamuffin009.png

we actually have one of these here


No you need a GAME button too ...duh lol:p

[abazaba]

ive been looking for the game button......

[Phedra]

I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man.
Love, To forgive him and;
Patience, For his moods.
Because if I pray for Strength
I'll just beat him to death.


That is my motto for the rest of my life I think. MEN:mad:

[abazaba]

That's not right...
Sum Ting Wong

Are you harboring a fugitive?...
Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me ASAP...
Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man...
Dum Gai

Small Horse...
Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach?...
Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table...
Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a face lift...
Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here...
Wai So Dim?

I thought you were on a diet...
Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone...
No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week...
Wai Yu Kum Nao?

Staying out of sight...
Lei Ying Lo

He's cleaning his automobile...
Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive...
Yu Stin Ki Pu

[abazaba]

10 Dog Peeves About Humans
1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny ... not very funny at all!

2. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur?

[Leon]

Star Wars Lines Improved By Replacing A Word With "Pants"

I find your lack of pants disturbing.
You are unwise to lower your pants.
The Force is strong in my pants.
I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants.
You came in those pants? You're braver than I thought.
In his pants you will find a new definition of pain and suffering.
Governer Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's pants.
A disturbance in the pants. I have not felt this since near my old master...
Pull up! All pants pull up!
I sense the conflict within you. Let go of your pants!
That blast came from the pants! That thing's operational!
Alderan is peaceful, we have no pants!
The pants will be down in moments, sir, you can begin your landing
Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your pants.
Your pants can deceive you, don't trust them.
I am altering the pants. Pray that I don't alter them any further.
Luke, help me take these pants off. -(dying) Darth Vader
Away with your pants, I mean you no harm!
See through pants, we can.

[christySYK]

A Texas senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-30, pushing the pedal even more.”

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Texas State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, and then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday.. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."

The old man paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Texas State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

[Leon]

Lol, nice. Keep em comming guys.

[Leon]

TEN COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse? You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not
Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and
politicians.... It creates a hostile work environment.
----------------------------------------------------

the FBI, CIA, LAPD, and some Rabbits
The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"

[christySYK]

A strictly mathematical viewpoint...
it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND , look how far ass kissing will take you

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

'REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM

[APBTMOMMY]

lmao.....love that last one for sure......and its pretty dam well true

[Leon]

It was once said that a black man would be president 'when pigs fly.' Indeed, 100 days into Obama's presidency...Swine flew.
-------------------------

A Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife,whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

PS. Sure is hot down here

[APBTMOMMY]

It was once said that a black man would be president 'when pigs fly.' Indeed, 100 days into Obama's presidency...Swine flew.


HaHaHa I have herd that one before!!!

[Leon]

TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.
Dear Sir;
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.
As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.
My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not raising hogs.
If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.
Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?
Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that, too.
In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps. Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.
Patriotically Yours,
Morgan
P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese.

[Leon]

Upgrading from Girlfriend Ver 5.0 to Wife Ver 1.0


Dear Tech Support Team:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0.

I soon noticed that the new program, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities.

Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3 , Cricket 5.0, BeerWithBuddies 7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.

I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the 'uninstall' doesn't work on Wife 1.0.

Please help!

Thanks,
"A Troubled User"


REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that people complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this.

I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the environment.I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs.Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Sarees 2.1 and Jewellery 5.0

STATUTORY WARNING : DO NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryWithShortSkirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

[Cain714]

http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b248/ovek714/Poop.jpg

[APBTMOMMY]

http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b248/ovek714/Poop.jpg


lmao funny as hell.....

[Phedra]

92

93

94

[Dansgrizz]

A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.

"What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.

The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."

"They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one.

"How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.

"Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they screw you every time!"

[APBTMOMMY]

http://www.bofunk.com/video/8788/treadmill_gangsta.html


http://www.bofunk.com/video/8772/how_not_to_open_a_wine_bottle.html

http://www.bofunk.com/video/8749/crazy_chick_the_morning_after.html

Ha Ha Ha ....funny

[APBTMOMMY]

http://www.bofunk.com/video/8776/dog_plays_hoops.html

Tooo cute...had to share....

[christySYK]

T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T


A business man got on an elevator.

When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright,

"T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday -- duuhhh

[christySYK]

A fellow walks into a bar,
notices a very large jar on the counter,
and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be
more than ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks,
'What's with the money in the jar?'

'Well... you pay $10 and
if you pass three tests,
you get all the money and
the keys to a brand new Lexus.'

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.
And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'

'You must pay first...
Those are the rules,' says the bartender.

So, after thinking it over a while,
the man gives the bartender the $10
and the bartender drops it into the jar.

'Okay,' the bartender says,
'Here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila,
in a minute or less, and
you can't make a face while doing it.

Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.

Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs
who has never had sex...
You have to take care of that problem!'

The man is stunned.
'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot!
I won't do it!
You'd have to be nuts
to drink a quart of tequila, and
then do all those other things...'

'Your call,' says the bartender...
'But, your money stays where it is.'

As time goes on, and
the man has a few more drinks,
he finally says,
'Where's the damn tequila?'

He grabs the bottle with both hands
and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks...
but he doesn't make a face, and
he did it in fifty-eight seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door,
where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.
Soon the people inside the bar hear
growling , biting, and screaming sounds...
then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that
the man surely must be dead,
he staggers back into the bar,
with his shirt ripped open
and there are scratches and
he's bleeding all over his body.

He says,
'Now where's that old woman
with the bad tooth?'

[Phedra]

lmao........

[Leon]

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

"Not very long," answered the Mexican.

"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American.

The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

"I sleep late, fish a little play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evening I go into the village to see my friends, play the guitar and sing a few songs . . . I have a full life."

The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard, and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue you can buy a bigger boat!"

"And after that?" asked the Mexican.

"With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."

"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.

"And after that?"

"Afterwards? Well my friend that's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?" said the Mexican.

"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings doing what you like and enjoying your friends."

[Phedra]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pB53M1kGM3A

[christySYK]

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother...."

[Nizmo357]

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Office r! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says 'Gee Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?' You probably shouldn't respond with,'Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?'

[Dansgrizz]

Nice!!!!!! Good stuff!!

[Nizmo357]

some of them aren't great but theres a few that made me laugh

[ItsMe]

LOL, thats funny, but I thought you weren't supposed to say anything to the cops. At all.

[Dansgrizz]

I won't tell man! You can send me to jail man!

[Budboy88]

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Office r! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says 'Gee Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?' You probably shouldn't respond with,'Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?'



lol i have so said number 2 before

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

[Phedra]

lol good stuff.

[Leon]

I won't tell man! You can send me to jail man!

Don't forget to yell "don't taze me bro!"

[Xavier777]

true story- Officer is waiting on the side of the road with radar in hand. FINALLY he zaps a speeder. Officer pulls the guy over and says "Ive been waiting for you all day". The guy responds " Great...because I got here as fast as I could". The cop laughed so hard that he let him go with a warning. True story-

[jeoestreich]

Too funny!!

[smith family kennels]

you can also add:

i have a gun that looks like that

do you have a light?

[Leon]

Threads Merged

[Leon]

A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun. He decides to approach her anyway.

"Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with you," he says.

"I'm sorry but I've given my body to God," she replies, and then leaves.

Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says: "I know a way you can get her in the sack."

The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3:00 in the afternoon. The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he's going to get some.

The next day at 3:00 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest. When the nun approaches in the darkness he says: "Sister, God has told me I must have sex with you."

She replies: "Well if God has said it, we must do it. However, because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the ass."

The guy figures this isn't a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever. After it is over, he whips off his outfit and says: "Surprise I'm the guy on the bus!"

With that, the nun turns around and says: "Surprise I'm the bus driver!"

[APBTMOMMY]

Ha Ha Ha...tooooo funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[APBTMOMMY]

http://www.funny.com/_fc/wm640/0/3/fn.CKZ6A.jpg

[APBTMOMMY]

http://www.funny.com/_fc/wm640/0/3/fn.CLM8Q.gif

http://www.funny.com/_fc/wm640/0/3/fn.CJXNV.jpg

[APBTMOMMY]

http://www.funny.com/_fc/wm640/0/3/fn.CLH9M.jpg

[APBTMOMMY]

http://www.funny.com/_fc/wm640/0/3/fn.CJIFY.jpg

[APBTMOMMY]

http://www.funny.com/_fc/wm640/0/2/fn.CF3EX.jpg

[CASH]

http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b143/tonka916/115996920704_funny5.jpg
http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b143/tonka916/hatin.jpg
http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b143/tonka916/freecat.jpg

[Lala]

Haha, that poem is so true. :)

[APBTMOMMY]

http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b143/tonka916/hatin.jpg


Lmao ...funny shit....reminds me of fat man little jacket....

[Phedra]

YouTube- "Thriller" (original upload)

some good stuff right there!! lol

[Phedra]

not to make light of what the troops do but I got a good kick outta this one too.

YouTube- Dance Party in Iraq

[Leon]

Rabbit walks into a Chemist's. He goes up to the chemist and asks, "Have you got any carrots?"

Chemist replies, "Sorry. No. This is a Chemist's, we dont sell carrots.

The rabbit leaves, but comes back the next day. He goes up to the counter and asks, "Have you got any carrots?"

The chemist says, "I told you yesterday, this is a chemist's. We dont sell carrots"

The rabbit leaves, but again he comes back the next day, wander up to the counter and asks, "Have you got any carrots?"

The chemist glares at him, and says, "Ive told you two days running. We do not sell carrots! If you come in here tommorow asking for carrots I'll nail your ears to the desk!"

The rabbit leaves, but yet again returns the next day. He walks over to the chemist and asks, "Have you got any nails?"

"No", the chemist replies, "We dont sell nails"

"Oh right" says the rabbit, "Have you got any carrots?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Johnny was in his math class one day when the teacher singled him out. "If I gave you $200," the teacher began, "and you gave $50 to Mary, $50 to Sally and $50 to Susan, what would you have?"

"An orgy," Johnny answered.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
How to annoy People in an Elevator?

Act like a dog, growl at people.
Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.”
Apply dripping red paint around the edge of the roof hatch. When someone enters, look upwards and whisper "I think they want in..."
Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. Press the wrong ones.
Ask everyone what they made for their side dish.
Ask someone to take your temperature, then turn around and bend over.
Ask, “did you hear that cable snapping sound?”
Attempt to hypnotize the other passengers.
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
Blow spit balls at the ceiling.
Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.
Blow your nose on your sleeve.
Bring a camera, take pictures of everybody in the elevator.
Bring a chair along.
Bring easy math flash cards on the elevator and ask the person next to you to help you study them (get them wrong).
Burp, and then say “mmmm...tasty!”
Call out, “Group hug!” and enforce it.
Call the psychic hotline from you cell phone, and ask if they know what floor you’re on.
Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
Challenge people to games of hide-and-seek.
Clutch your stomach and gasp.
Collapse on the floor when the elevator goes up, then get up and look embarrassed.
Collect an elevator tax.
Count down from 100,000 out loud.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?”
Do Tai Chi exercises.
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space.”
Draw a volleyball on the wall of the elevator and insist you have been trapped in there for 3 months. Formally introduce everyone to the volleyball!
Dress as a clergy member of the opposite sex.
Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, “That’s mine!”
Eat jello through a straw.
Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
Give each passenger a round of applause as they enter or leave.
Give each passenger a ticket and remind them that door prize drawing is in half an hour.
Give people lectures about the periodic table of elements
Give religious tracts to each passenger.
Go into extreme detail explaining how you were trapped in an elevator once for two days.
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
Greet everyone with a smile and a handshake, then ignore them.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
Guard the button panel so no one can touch it. Growl and bite at anyone’s fingers who attept to cross you.
Have a picnic in the elevator.
Have a seizure.
Hold the elevator door open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, “Hi John, how’s your day been?”
Holler “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.
Hug yourself.
Hum the theme from Mission Impossible with yours eyes darting around the elevator.
Hum the theme to Jeopardy
If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, "Bad touch!"
If anyone brushes against you, whisper to them "was it good for you too?"
Introduce yourself as Ochenga-Wangaa The great chief and begin telling stories of your native island.
Jump up when the elevator reaches a stop.
Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they want to play.
Lean against the button panel.
Lean over to another passenger and whisper: “Noogie patrol coming!”
Leave a box between the doors.
Leave a box in a corner, and when someone gets on, ask if they hear something ticking.
Lick gummy bears and stick them to things (the walls, the buttons, the passengers, etc.)
Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Make farm noises.
Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
Make sure the emergency phone is working.
Meow occasionally.
Move your desk in to the elevator, and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
Mumble autistically about the possibilities of elevator accidents.
Offer a bite of your fresh tangerine to everyone coming on board.
Offer hitman services.
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink” at the bottom.
Open a lemonade stand.
Perform the Hamlet soliloquy. When a new passenger enters, start over again.
Pick your nose.
Place police tape (CRIME SCENE DO NOT CROSS) on the inside of the doors.
Play dead.
Play patty--cake with the door.
Play the harmonica.
Pour water on the front of your trousers, so it looks like you have wet yourself, tell everyone who comes in to the elevator, that you had a little accident.
Pray to Budda.
Preach about the end of the world.
Pretend to be dead and lie on the elevator floor.
Pretend you’re a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers
Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock.
Read a book upside down.
Recite poetry in monotone.
Request for people to watch you Riverdance.
Say "Ding!" at each floor.
Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
Say, while holding a paper with OUT OF ORDER written on it, “I wonder why this was glued on the door when I came in.”
Scratch yourself.
Scribble furiously on a notepad while looking at each passenger. When they try to look, hide the pad.
Sell Girl Scout cookies.
Shadow box.
Shave.
Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
Sing “Mary had a little lamb” while continually pushing buttons.
Sing: "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerve's, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, i know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and it goes like this!" to the tune of "camp town lady".....pause.....repeat....continually.
Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce “You’re one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.
Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting larger."
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce “I’ve got new socks on!”
Start a sing-along.
Start reciting "Green Eggs and Ham" and ask people what comes next.
Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: “Wanna see wha in muh mouf?”
Tap dance.
Tell everyone about the hidden rooftop penthouse belonging to the mob.
Tell everyone about your love life.
Tell people you can see their aura.
Tell the passengers not to worry. The bomb won't go off for at least another two minutes.
Throw a party in the vator!
Try to purchase an article of clothing from the person next to you.
Untie one shoe, then tie the other. Repeat.
Walk in circles. Change directions when you hit a passenger.
Walk on with a cooler that says “human head” on the side.
Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your head.
Wear “X-Ray Specs” and leer suggestively at other passengers.
Wear a basketball jersey. Show everyone your armpit. Works best if you get a good workout and don't use deodorant.
Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
Wear a Santa suit...in June.
Wear a ski mask and carry an axe.
Wear complete SCUBA gear, then offer your buddy hose to the other passengers
When the elevator doors close, bang on them, screaming let me out!
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, not now... motion sickness!”
When the elevator doors close, announce to the others, “It’s okay, don’t panic, they’ll open again.”
When the doors close pretend you arm got caught in it.
When the doors open, pretend you did it with your mind.
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
When the elevator reaches another passenger’s floor, scream and collapse in front of the door.
When there’s only one other person on the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn’t you.
While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, “hide it...quick!” then whistle innocently.
Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly.

[Dansgrizz]

Call out group hug.... And enforce it!

Rotflmfao!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Nizmo357]

I thought there was a jokes forum to place this but i couldnt find it. so mods if there is please move it. thanks

Husband and wife are lying quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.

WIFE: 'What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?'

HUSBAND: 'Definitely not!'

WIFE: 'Why not? Don't you like being married?'

HUSBAND: 'Of course I do.'

WIFE: 'Then why wouldn't you remarry?'

HUSBAND: 'Okay, okay, I'd get married again.'

WIFE: 'You would? (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: 'Would you live in our house?'

HUSBAND: 'Sure. It's a great house .'

WIFE: 'Would you sleep with her in our bed?'

HUSBAND: 'Where else would we sleep?'

WIFE: 'Would you let her drive my car?'

HUSBAND: 'Probably. It is almost new.'

WIFE: 'Would you replace my pictures with hers?'

HUSBAND: 'That would seem like the proper thing to do.'

WIFE: 'Would you give her my jewelry?'

HUSBAND: 'No... I'm sure she'd want her own.'

WIFE: 'Would you take her golfing with you?'

HUSBAND: 'Yes. Those are always good times.'

WIFE: 'Would she use my clubs?'

HUSBAND: 'No. She's left-handed.'

WIFE: - silence -

HUSBAND: ' . . .. . Sh**.'

[kumhomomma]

Nice there is a post about funnys somewhere

[Leon]

Threads merged.

[Nizmo357]

here it is! thanks leon!

[Leon]

No probs man. Keep the jokes coming.:)

[kumhomomma]

Best of craigslist:

When it comes to peeing, its great to be a male. Ladies (and fellows with a micro-penis) purse their lips at men's blithe attitude toward convenience when it comes to answering nature's call. We're so crass, rude, disgusting. Right.

You're just fucking envious. And well you should be. It is indescribably wondrous portaging a permanently attached watering hose. Witness 'Man, Peeing in Garden', the epitome of casualness. Few, if any, locations are off-limits when the urge is felt: parking garage, deck, the sink...simply too many nouns to list. Still, while decorum is abused, discretion is not--more on this point in a moment.

Oh sure, many a woman has pee'd outside of the pot, though strictly as a matter of urgency and with much reluctance and with great angst. There is no female example of "whipping it out." In fact, yours is a complete show. You fret about the location, the preparation, the sundries, minimizing dribble 'christ almighty' it's a fifteen minute ordeal. Men can sort of relate to your dilemma, like when we need to poop and there's no bathroom in sight.

Anyway, I pee in the sink. I've been peeing into bathroom sinks for years. Convenience is my primary reason. But there are many very good reasons to pee in a sink. A few among them-

I can multitask, which is important to me: both my hands are free to brush teeth, comb hair, apply hygiene products, etc. I've never done and empirical study, but I am certain in my gut that cumulative hours are saved annually by peeing in the sink.

It's environmentally conscientious. I conserve water when I pee in the sink. As I wash my hands or rinse my toothbrush, my pee is carried through the p-trap down into the sanitary line. Toilet, sink -as George Castanza explained, "It's all pipes!"

It's the "green" thing to do. By peeing on dried toothpaste, solidified lungers, loose hair, and other lingering yuckiness stuck inside the sink, I save still more water and reduce phosphates and other nasty chemicals that might otherwise have been used to clean the sink.

It's considerate. Regardless whether my girlie is sleeping, watching television, reading in silence, I do not disturb her with a cacophonous serenade of "man-peeing-into-toilet-then-flushing". Peeing into a sink is very quiet.

It's clean. There is no toilet water splash nor urine splatter on walls, seat or in the crannies of the commode. Here I bandy the duel argument of 'less work' (by not scrubbing said surfaces after each use) and, consequently, 'more green' (requires less use of environmentally harmful cleaning chemicals). Pee is, for the most part, sterile when it hits the sink, so no need to use expensive disinfectant. Thus I submit another good, albeit tenuous, reason I pee in the sink: it saves money.

It builds "relationship equity". The seat is always down, which appears to my girlie as sublimely considerate and one those "little things" I do for her. This manifests, somehow, in better sex.

It's hygienic. After my stream has diminished to a trickle, I splash a handful or two of water on my dick, thus washing it. I have a clean dick and I put my dick up against the dick of any "traditional" toilet user for some quantitative dick evaluation; eg.: stiff test, taste test. Rub my dick against glass and it squeaks.

I can think of violently few disadvantages to peeing in a sink. Off the top of my head:
- peeing into a sink after eating asparagus is very unpleasant;
- fishing a contact lens out of the sink while "multitasking" is disturbing; and,
- reflexive tumescence may result from the splash of overly cold or hot water, which can have messy consequences.

I confess that a lifetime of casually whipping it out and lettin' go when and wherever has caused my "Emergency Pee Shut Off" muscle (assuming it ever existed) to atrophy. Richard Pryor was correct that a man cannot cut off his stream "just like that".

I am aware that this technique d'avant garde might offend the eyeballs of an accidental witness, so I always exercise discretion when I pee in the sink. That said, peeing in the sink is so routine for me that I am complacent, and I never thought up a contingency plan should someone walk in on me.

Just this morning my girlie busted me peeing in the sink, rather (as I now understand), "her" sink. She fucking had a cow and slapped my dick hard like it was a big hairy fucking spider on the countertop.

Thus I know from experience that getting caught peeing in the sink does not garner even the tiniest, wee little bit of appreciation of or for any of those benefits I mentioned above. Therefore, heed this exhortation: make damn sure no one will walk in as you pee in the sink.

So there I am this morning, brushing my teeth in front of the mirror and quietly contemplating my day while a night's worth of pee drained out of my unlimbered dick laying in the sink. My girlie sneaked up behind me topless as a playful, sexy morning surprise, and so intended, she was oblivious to my present commitment. She might as well have tossed a glass of ice water on my back - cause with the sudden and unexpected feeling of her hands around my midriff, I reflexively jerked up and away from the sink. My flaccid dick tossed about mid-stream until I could completely close down the relief valve. I was untethered for no more than.. what.. two seconds, but it seemed like I pee'd on fucking everything, including her jewelry box and her basket of stretchy hair things, both of which she was real unhappy about upon discovery. Miraculously, I missed her. She was incredulous. I sensed a radar-lock on my groin area and my hand moved instinctively to my protect my dick, but I was too slow. With the speed of a fucking praying mantis, she lashed at my dick and nailed it good. I hollered "what the fuck", spewing frothy toothpaste on her, which only added to the indignity and intensified her fury. It was a fucking show this morning in our, rather, her bathroom.

I didn't learn any lessons this morning (except maybe to lock the bathroom door). I did learn that my girlie is irrational and uptight about this particular issue. Frankly, fuck if I know what to do or what to say to her come this evening. I'm going to go to the restroom and take a good long look at myself in the mirror, mostly because I'll be peeing in the sink, but also to steel my nerve and strategize for tonite.


Location: in my bathroom

[Leon]

http://www.marcofolio.net/images/stories/fun/imagedump/demotivational_posters/politics.jpg
http://www.marcofolio.net/images/stories/fun/imagedump/demotivational_posters/retards.jpg
http://www.marcofolio.net/images/stories/fun/imagedump/demotivational_posters/teamwork.jpg

[Leon]

http://i257.photobucket.com/albums/hh214/meatmallet63/motivation/patientbear.jpg
http://www.funpicsfree.com/photogallery/funny-pics-0929/motivational-poster-Your_Fat.jpg
http://i349.photobucket.com/albums/q379/Lhjnhnas/Motivational%20Posters/MP.jpg

[Phedra]

Never . . ..
Ever . . .
Ever . . ..


Put a
FIRECRACKER

in your ass


and light it!




I REPEAT. . .
Never.....
Ever...
Ever,
Put a FIRECRACKER
in your ass & light it ! ! !

.............



Now, that's . . ..

ONE DUMB ASS!!

[Phedra]

How Dogs And Men Are The Same

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.

2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.

3. Both mark their territory.

4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.

5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

6. Neither does any dishes.

7. Both fart shamelessly.

8. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.

9. Both like dominance games.

10. Both are suspicious of the postman.

11. Neither understands what you see in cats.

[Leon]

http://i39.tinypic.com/2gvobw4.jpg

[Leon]

Found this in the other forum, thought it was hilarious. Cat snorting. lol

http://i163.photobucket.com/albums/t289/jchavez007/snortcat.gif

[razors_edge]

How Dogs And Men Are The Same

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.

2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.

3. Both mark their territory.

4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.

5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

6. Neither does any dishes.

7. Both fart shamelessly.

8. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.

9. Both like dominance games.

10. Both are suspicious of the postman.

11. Neither understands what you see in cats.



lmaooo....every single thing on there describes a man

[razors_edge]

lmao@ leon, thats funny man, im use that as my wallpaper

[Nic.karas]

After the sad news Michael Jackson has had to cancel a few dates- Tommy aged 9, Mikey aged 8 and Sammy aged 10....

[Nizmo357]

lmfao thats funny.

[Phedra]

Here's a couple for today :)

[Leon]

http://i257.photobucket.com/albums/hh214/meatmallet63/caturday/00catbounce.gif
http://i257.photobucket.com/albums/hh214/meatmallet63/caturday/635531056.gif
http://i333.photobucket.com/albums/m363/Andre3gs/BreakdancerAxeKick.gif

[Leon]

http://cache.gizmodo.com/assets/resources/2008/02/jesuswhat.jpg
http://pix.motivatedphotos.com/2008/12/5/633640673739216680-gunshops.jpg
http://i128.photobucket.com/albums/p191/buildingblocks5150/244876-warrenties_super.jpg
http://i257.photobucket.com/albums/hh214/meatmallet63/motivation/condom.jpg
http://i257.photobucket.com/albums/hh214/meatmallet63/motivation/Come_Out_Now.jpg
http://img.zooweekly.com.au/galleries/92/imgs/2782_main.jpeg

[razors_edge]

^^^^^u got that from killsometime.com ???? if not check it out its a funny ass website

[smith family kennels]

for the men out there this is for yall lmfao

Here I Am!






Dan was attending his fishing club’s monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn’t make their planned next day's fishing trip because his wife wouldn’t let him go. After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow fishing buddies Dan left the meeting and returned home to his wife.

When Dan’s friends arrived to set up camp the following day who should be there but Dan. His tent was up, his fishing gear leaning against a tree, while Dan was sitting by his campfire cooking some trout in a big frying pan”.

How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Dan?”

“I didn’t have to” was Dan’s reply....

“When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, surprise!!

When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said....

“Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want.”

So Here I am!

[APBTMOMMY]

LMFAO ...... That's every mans dream......

[kumhomomma]

LMFAO thats great

[smith family kennels]

I know we all get funny text messages but these cracked me up. if you have ever lived in the south you will so get these lol

1)
The scanner just reported a drunk naked idiot wearing snowboots, singing free bird, riding a lawn mower down the highway! Where are you goin?

2)
The psych ward said someone showed up smoking a ***** wearing a thong and riding a goat. Im going to come get you this time but this shit has got to stop!

3)
96% of americans say oh shit before going into a ditch. The other 4% are from alabama and say hold my beer and watch this shit!

[Marty]

Marijuana inside the firewood

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"



"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hiding' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hiding' it there."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's! Deputie s descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"


"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!"

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"


(Rednecks know how to get-er-dun)

[Marty]

Why mothers drink

A Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything
was picked up.
Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to ‘Mom’. With the
worst premonition she opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Mom,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I
wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her
b ecause of all her piercing, tattoos, t ight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older
than I am. But it's not only the passion...... Mom she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very
happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a
dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for
ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the
meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to
visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son Jon

P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wan ted to remind you that there
are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home

[smith family kennels]

lmfao I would have to knock my son out for that one

[Phedra]

marijuana inside the firewood

"hello, is this the sheriff's office?"



"yes. What can i do for you?"

"i'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor virgil smith....he's hiding' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hiding' it there."

"thank you very much for the call, sir."

the next day, the sheriff's! Deputie s descend on virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at virgil's house. "hey, virgil! This here's floyd....did the sheriff come?"


"yeah!"

"did they chop your firewood?"

"yep!"

"happy birthday, buddy!"


(rednecks know how to get-er-dun)

lmfao...........

[George Bailey]

*After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred
to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she
loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from
the local Target.

Dear Mrs.Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our
store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of
you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samsel, are
listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's
carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away! This caused the employee to
leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that
in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and
costing t he company money..

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7... August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and
screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called..

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked
the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the
'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by
using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed
a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then
yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the
clerks passed out.

George Bailey

[APBTMOMMY]

*After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred
to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she
loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from
the local Target.

Dear Mrs.Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our
store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of
you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samsel, are
listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's
carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away! This caused the employee to
leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that
in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and
costing t he company money..

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7... August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and
screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called..

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked
the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the
'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by
using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed
a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then
yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the
clerks passed out.

George Bailey


HA HA funny shit!!!!!!!!!!!! Sounds like something Kevin would do!

[Leon]

A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?' "
"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s**t out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A- Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[christySYK]

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much
in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and
party with his old buddies..


So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, honey bunch?'
asked the wife.


'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a
beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my
love?'

She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and
showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan ,
India, etc.


The husband didn't know what to do, and the only
thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen
glasses...'

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because
the wife interrupted him by saying,
'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer,
so frozen that she was getting chills just
holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes,
tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise.. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi
pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps,pork strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey.... At th e bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'


'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't
f***ing going anywhere! Got it, A**hole?'

so he stayed home............
........and, they lived happily ever after.


Now, isn't that a sweet story?

[Dansgrizz]

Brings a tear to my eye...

[christySYK]

LOL, me too from laughing so damn hard when I read it!

[green machine]

lol thats great!

[smith family kennels]

bump.......

[APBTMOMMY]

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked..'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.

[George Bailey]

Okay, it made me laugh!

Basset Hounds Running: Pics, Videos, Links, News (http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/basset-hounds-running)

[George Bailey]

TWO DOGS DINING - YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=EVwlMVYqMu4&vq=medium#t=125)

hysterical, no way I could keep my dog out of the food!

[APBTMOMMY]

HA HA.... thanks for sharing Julie! That was very funny!! Yeah there is no way my dog would have stayed outta the bowl/plate either. lol

[George Bailey]

Will Ferrell's Amazing Canine Obstacle Course Demo - Video @ Teamcoco.com (http://teamcoco.com/video/will-ferrell-dogs)

[APBTMOMMY]

I think that if i was him i would give up in that department....

[George Bailey]

The Complete History of SNL's Celebrity Jeopardy

The Complete History of SNL's Celebrity Jeopardy | Splitsider (http://splitsider.com/2011/04/the-complete-history-of-snls-celebrity-jeopardy/)