Dog Humor

[Peanutsmommy]

here is the thread for dog specfic jokes


I will start:

10 Reasons Why It's Great to be a Dog


If it itches, you can reach it. And no matter where it itches, no one will be offended if you scratch it in public.

No one notices if you have hair growing in weird places as you get older.

Personal hygiene is a blast: No one expects you to take a bath every day, and you don't even have to comb your own hair.

Having a wet nose is considered a sign of good health.

No one thinks less of you for passing gas. Some people might actually think you're cute.

Who needs a big home entertainment system? A bone or an old shoe can entertain you for hours.

You can spend hours just smelling stuff.

No one ever expects you to pay for lunch or dinner. You never have to worry about table manners, and if you gain weight, it's someone else's fault.

It doesn't take much to make you happy. You're always excited to see the same old people. All they have to do is leave the room for five minutes and come back.

Every garbage can looks like a cold buffet to you.

[Peanutsmommy]

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

I will not eat the cats’ food, before or after they eat it.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

I will not throw up in the car.

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

I will not lick my human’s face after eating animal poop.

Kitty box crunchies are not food.

I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

I will not chew my human’s toothbrush and not tell them.

I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it’s raining outside.

We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

I will not steal my Mom’s underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.

The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom and Dad’s laps.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches in for Mom’s driver’s license and car registration.

[Peanutsmommy]

little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring the Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said,
"Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

[Peanutsmommy]

The Dog's Diary

:pupkisses:

8:00 AM - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 AM - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 AM - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 AM - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

[Peanutsmommy]

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture.

3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't
need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.

[APBTMOMMY]

LOL those are cute jokes PM.:D

[kumhomomma]

How dogs and men are the same
1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.

3. Both mark their territory.

4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.

5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.

7. Neither does any dishes.

8. Both fart shamelessly.

9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.

10. Both like dominance games.

11. Both are suspicious of the postman.

12. Neither understands what you see in cats.

[kumhomomma]

How dogs are better than men
1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.

3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.

4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.

5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.

6. Dogs do not play games with you-except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)

7. You can train a dog.

8. Dogs are easy to buy for.

9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.

10. Dogs understand what "no" means.

11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you

[kumhomomma]

Life lessons learned from a dog
1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
2. Don't go out without ID.

3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by pissing on their shoes.

4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.

5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.

6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is most effective.

7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged shamefully out from under the bed).

8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.

[kumhomomma]

Dog Jokes
Dog jokes, dog humor, dog laughs for your enjoyment
Man to dog trainer: "Every time a bell rings, my dog goes into the corner."
Dog trainer: "That's OK, he is a Boxer."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning." Her husband replies, "Well, lots of dogs can do that." The wife responded, "But we've never subscribed to any!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America , we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one.

The vendor is too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to un-wrap their 'dogs'. The mother superior begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part... did you get...?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life, a Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill three wishes for her.

"Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich."
POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned her rocking chair into solid gold.

"And I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess."
POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite young princess, with a priceless crown of jewels.

"Your third wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother. "Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a handsome prince?"
POOF: There, in front stood the most handsome young man anyone had ever seen. She stared at him in awe, completely smitten.

As he came toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered, "I bet you are sorry you had me neutered."

[kumhomomma]

Father and son were walking hand in hand when they saw two dogs "doing it" in the middle of the street.
The dad got all flustered and told his son that the big brown dog hurt his paw, and the little white dog was helping him across the street. The boy thought a minute, then looked up and said, "Isn't that just like life? You try to help someone and get screwed!"

[kumhomomma]

How to Photograph a New Puppy



Remove film from box and load camera.

Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.


Remove puppy from trash, brush coffee grounds from muzzle.


Choose a suitable background for photo.


Mount camera on tripod and focus.


Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.


Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.


Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.


Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.


Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.


Put cat outside, put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.


Put magazines back on coffee table.


Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.


Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.


Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"


Clean up mess.


Sit back in chair with lemonade and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" soon.

[kumhomomma]

Dog Pet Peeves




When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.


Blaming your farts on me...not funny.


Yelling at me for barking...I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!!


How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)


Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who's walk is this anyway?


Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.


Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet...Why'd you buy carpet?


Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet...idiot.


How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.


Dog sweaters? ...... Have you noticed the fur?..... Imbecile.


Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. (Now you know why we chew your shit up when you're not home.)


When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?


Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out everytime we go back.


The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.

[APBTMOMMY]

Lol good ones Kumhomomma......

[kumhomomma]

i got VERY Bored and was avoiding dishes